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If there’s no script, how can I be criticized for going off of it? I feel a lot more able to be my normal geeky self, whether that’s getting into sharing a TV show together or talking about movies, games or books.” “The lack of script is freeing - I can be myself and not like a Ryan Gosling type. “There’s more pressures to do ‘the right thing’, like acting super suave like the guys in the movies,” Zak, a 25-year-old bisexual in the U.K., explains, adding that they find it easier to flirt with men and non-binary people.
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Several of my sources agree with Zane that there’s no cultural script telling them how to flirt, which they, too, find freeing. “Now I find myself letting go of the feeling that I have to use bodily cues at all.” Skylor, a 25-year-old queer, trans man from Chicago, also describes his flirting style as “passive” and centered on an “emotional or intellectual connection.” “When I was flirting pre-transition, I focused heavily on body language and touch,” says Sev, a 22-year-old gay trans man in Connecticut. Maven, a 24-year-old bisexual trans man in Florida, tells me that “the headache that comes with being trans” combined with undiagnosed autism spectrum disorder means that flirting is basically a no-go, and two other guys add that, for them at least, flirting is mostly a cerebral activity. “There’s a long history of using these hints, because there was no other way of being gay if you weren’t in some urban epicenter or endangering yourself in a club that could be raided at any moment.”īut theirs is far from a universal experience. “Gays will rarely, if ever, approach without a complex web of body language and stares, especially in straight spaces,” says Daniel, a non-binary, gay 23-year-old based in New Jersey. Other cultures taught us that you can flirt in coffee shops, in bars and on the subway, but personally, I couldn’t experience all that.”īecause of these risks, several of my sources tell me that flirtation based on eye contact, body language, gestures and other subtle signaling has become crucial. “We have more homophobic incidents, so we use apps and online communication to meet other gays. “We have more restrictions, because most of our families are old school, with all that ‘macho Latino’ stuff on their minds,” he explains. “It’s always there for me in particular, because I’m attracted to older men who present pretty straight.”Įnrique, a 30-year-old gay man from Venezuela, says that his cultural setting makes flirting even more difficult, especially in person. “If I’m in public and not at a gay bar or event, there’s a wall that exists because of a fear of outing the other person,” Will, a 30-year-old gay man in L.A., tells me. “I’ll only bother if the space is designed around accepting trans people.” Several other sources agree that these background threats lead to hyper-vigilance and caution. “I rarely flirt, because on top of being queer, I’m also a trans man, and I don’t want to be harassed, beaten or killed,” says Sam, 23, from Utah.
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The most obvious and impactful difference is that straight, cisgender men are able to flirt free of the influence of homophobia and transphobia.
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So, to dig a little deeper, I asked more than 30 gay, queer and bisexual men and non-binary people about how they flirt and how their approaches differ from that of straight, cisgender men. I don’t doubt Zane’s claim that gay men flirt differently than straight men, but his list leaves me barely enlightened about the differences.
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So far so good, except that the “13 types of flirts” Zane goes on to outline are both a jumbled list of types of gay men with whom one might flirt - like “the shady queen,” “the muscle hunk” and “the ‘straight’ locker room cruiser” - and flirting techniques that are by no means unique to gay men (e.g., touching, whispering and eye-fucking). “Gay men, though, don’t have the same cultural dating and flirting scripts that straight men have to deal with, which allows us to flirt however we so choose.” “Boy, are we a shamelessly flirty community,” he writes. In a listicle for Out magazine titled “ 13 Types of Flirts Every Gay Guy Knows,” writer Zachary Zane claims that gay men don’t flirt like straight men.